1. Using "Because I'm grown" as an answer to everything

The main issue with the "Because I'm grown" saying is that it doesn't really answer whatever question is being asked. It gives the parent an out from having to articulate the reasons why they are doing the things they are doing and leads the child to believe that simply being "grown" allows a person to do whatever they want whenever they want without having to answer to anyone (particularly their kids). In the real world you do have to answer for why you do the things you do and it is better to explain the reasoning behind things to your children than leave them in the dark simply because you can or don't feel like explaining.

2. Gossiping about your children's failures to others

This one is tricky because everyone needs someone to talk to. Often as a parent the main topic of discussion will be your children so it is only natural that the good things they are doing will be brought up but so will the not so good things. The real issue is choosing wisely who you share that information with. If you are talking to someone who will simply provide advice and perspective with the goal of helping the parent and the child then that is a great resource to have. However the person you share that information with is going to share that information with others or worse bring it to the child it may have a negative effect as the child will lose trust in the confidentiality they thought they shared with their parent and become more frustrated with themselves and their failures. It does indeed take a village to raise a child but perhaps letting your child know ahead of time that you will be letting specific people know so that they can talk to them about it later would be a better and more constructive way of going about things.

3. Embarrassing your kids in public

Childhood trauma comes in many shapes and forms. One of the most prevalent forms in our community is being embarrassed by a parent in public. Whether a parent whoops, hits, yells or does something else it can have negative long term effects on the child. Parents have a great fear of being embarrassed by their children and when faced with that embarrassment will often retaliate rather than deescalate. All of the lessons on how to behave in public seemingly go out of the window for the parent when faced with an uncomfortable and embarrassing moment with their kids. The best way to deal with this is to take your own advice and remember how you yourself should behave in public. Things will happen that are out of your control and the loss of control can be scary but at the end of the day you have to model the behavior you want to see from your children. Control the situation as best you can and handle the rest at home privately. This will allow you to think rather than react, show respect for your child's privacy by talking to them one on one rather than in front of strangers and will ultimately keep you from embarrassing yourself in public.

4. Telling others about their personal lives when they share private information with you

This is similar to number 2 above. Trust is something that has to be earned and developed. It takes a lot to build it up and only takes a little to tear it down. If your child feels comfortable enough to share private information with you whether it's struggles they are having at school or questions they have about sex or the fact that they have "a little friend" (we really got to chill with that too) then respect and appreciate their privacy and trust and keep it between the two of you. If you don't know how to handle the information they give you and have questions of your own there are many discreet ways to find answers without violating their trust. You could look it up online ("Google your friend bruh"), you could ask someone by framing your question hypothetically or you could be honest and let your child know that you don't have all of the answers and the two of you could seek those answers together. All are better options than violating trust and it getting back to them that you did so.

5. "You know all the words to that song yet..."

NEWSFLASH your kids knowing lyrics to songs or knowing how to play sports or even video games really well is not a bad thing! Also believe it or not, it is possible to excel at one things while also struggling at another...like school. Whatever your child's interests are should also interest you. There is something about those things that makes them happy, content and helps them to take their minds off of their struggles. If you response to those things is negativity and reminding of the things that they are struggling with you are almost literally sucking the joy out of them. Everything should be done in moderation and if they are solely focused on the things they like and not putting energy, effort of attention into other areas of their lives then it makes perfect sense to help them refocus and better understand what their priorities should be. We as parents just have to be very careful not to cast a shadow over the things that bring our children joy. If your child knows the lyrics to every song but struggles memorizing things for school, try making their work into raps or songs that are catchy and will be easier for them to memorize. If they enjoy sports try finding a sporting event they will really enjoy and set it up as a reward for them putting extra effort into their studies. If they like video games find an educational game that corresponds to what they are learning in school. The goal is to help them succeed and excel and it is up to us as parents to put in the extra effort as well to connect with them while also assisting them in reaching their full potential.

6. Telling them they can't have an opinion on certain things until they pay bills

We get it, you're grown and you pay bills...okay we've acknowledged that so now you can stfu about it. Lol seriously though, paying bills does not make you a god among men (or children). They don't pay bills because they don't have jobs and also because they are kids. They are your kids and your responsibility and in case you forgot, they didn't ask to be here. You have to ask yourself what kind of household you want to run. Do you want to teach your kids that the person who pays the bills is royalty and everyone who doesn't has less worth? What if your child grows up, loses their job and ends up living with a spouse or friend that pays all of the bills? Would you want them to have no say or less value than the person paying the bills? In that situation you would likely tell them to get out of that situation and come home but why would they want to come home to something that in their mind mirrors the situation they are already in? That may be an exaggeration but the point stands that the values you instill early on will likely stick with them long term. It may be worth it to hear your kids out, try out the things they are proposing and making them feel like they not only have a voice but their voice and thoughts matter. You know like the way america is supposed to be.

7. Calling kids fast (especially our girls)

Wtf does that even mean? Talking a certain way, walking a certain way, dancing a certain way, hanging with certain people, having certain interests can all lead to a child being called "fast". It is a term we put on our young girls more often than anyone else and all it does is make them self conscious and break them down. Is it possible that kids see and mimic things that are beyond their years? Absolutely. But what is also possible is that they are simply being themselves and if they are copying then that is on the parents not the children. They are doing things they see on tv, saying things they hear on the radio or even more likely they are getting it from you. Don't ridicule them because they are saying and doing the same "fast" things that you were saying at their age and now. Maybe you should slow your fast ass down instead.

8. "Stop crying before I give you something to cry about!"

Believe it or not, if a child is crying there is a reason behind it therefore they already have "something to cry about"...that's why their crying DUH! They could be crying because they are sad, they could be crying because they are afraid, they could be crying because of internal changes going on in their body or hey could be crying because...they need to let a cry out. Crying is not inherently a bad things and instead of focusing on the fact that a child is crying perhaps we should work to find out the reason behind it. Have you ever felt sad thinking about something that has nothing to do with your present state and condition? If so then it is very possible that your children sometimes do the same thing. Maybe the current situation isn't necessarily the reason they are crying but it could remind them of a prior situation that brings back emotions that lead to tears. We need to teach our children that there is nothing wrong with expressing emotions. Our boys are growing up thinking that they are weak if they show emotion or cry and this is causing them to not know how to manage their emotions in a healthy manner. They hold everything in then it erupts like a volcano and comes out in unhealthy ways. Our girls are growing up thinking they are too emotional and won't be respected or taken as seriously if they cry or show too much emotion so they are constantly holding themselves back from expressing their true feelings as a way or gaining acceptance. THe moral of the story is we need to cut that out get rid of the negative views on crying in our community. We all have feelings/emotions and should be free to express them in a healthy way as we experience them.

9. "Stay in a child's place"

Are there differences between children and adults? Yes. Do children understand things differently than adults? Yes. Are there things that aren't healthy for children to be aware of or a part of? Sure. None of that however warrants a parent telling a child to "stay in a child's place". What does that even mean? If the subject matter is potentially harmful to the child it makes sense to try to protect that from them but we have to do a better job of giving our children more information and lessons and less lazy sayings that keep them in the dark. If a child is curious about something there are ways to help them gain understanding in an appropriate manner for their age without being demeaning. Typically the use of the "child's place" term translates to "I'm an adult, you're not so mind your damn business" which is not cool at all and doesn't teach them anything except how to do the same when they are adults. It is always better for them to learn something from you than to seek the answers from the outside world so choose wisely.

10. Do as I say and not as I do

Hypocritical much? It is our job to not only teach our kids right from wrong verbally but to also model it with our actions. Using the above phrase basically translates to a parent saying "I know I'm wrong and tell you not to do/say what I just did but don't worry about that. Just make sure you don't do the same." We are excusing our own behavior while also letting the child know that we will enforce the rules around them behaving in that manner. It is very important that you hold yourself accountable as a parent because none of us are perfect and there are many areas of our lives where we can make improvements (especially in regards to parenting). Maybe you have some behaviors that have always been a part of the way you act, talk or interact and you never had any real reason to change or eliminate those behaviors. Well there is no better reason than your kids. None of us like being put on the spot or told about ourselves but when your kids hold a figurative mirror up to you and show you some areas that need improvement, take that opportunity to do the work and improve upon them. If not for yourself then for them because the same excuses you use for yourself will be used by them later.

11. Flipping words around to make "clever" threats

Okay this one doesn't really count but it irks my soul so I had to put it on here. Black parents worldwide listen up; IT IS NOT CLEVER< COOL OR FUNNY TO FLIP AROUND WHAT YOUR KID SAYS TO MAKE A THREAT! I don't know who started this but we need to end it now because it is getting ridiculous. There is no reason why your response to your kid wanting to slide more at the park should be "IMA SLIDE DOWN YOUR ASS IF YOU DON"T COME ON!". WHAT?! YOU'RE GOING TO DO WHAT?! Come on family we really have to do better. I know you think you just dropped bars that the whole playground loves but you didn't all you did was embarrass yourself as the other parents call child protective services on you. A child being defiant is not a battle of wits and puns, it's a teachable moment so please stop using those moments to teach your kids how out of pocket you are. So the next time you're at the grocery store and your kids keep asking for and touching candy, instead of saying you'll candy their behind (whatever tf that even means) just tell them no and explain why they can't have it this time.

Moral of the story is always think before you speak especially when speaking to your children because you never know the lasting effects your words can have on them. Just because it's been said for generations doesn't mean it's right.

Written by Bonix Team